Monday, May 9, 2011

Things We Learned From Movies

I found this old list while cleaning out the "misc" folder in "My Documents".

Things We Learned From Movies

By Jessica and Courtney

What Women Want – Being electrocuted makes you a more sensitive person…..and it’s hilarious.

Mickey Blue Eyes – Marrying into the Italian mob is both hilarious and dangerous. Forgid aboud id.

Hairspray - Ever since this old world began a woman found out if she shook it she could shake up a man.

The Baxter- Every Baxter is somebody’s leading man. Reading the dictionary is an attractive quality.  Hip Hop Dance offs can be dangerous.

Love Comes Softly – If your pioneer husband doesn’t come back from the woods in 20 minutes, he might be dead.  Chances are, he is.

Road to Zanzibar- Political correctness hadn’t been invented then. But we do love Bob Hope and Bing Crosby!

Cinderella (the 1960’s version) – Female rights are overrated. Bad teeth can’t prevent you from marrying a prince.

Cinderella (The Brandy version) - one white queen + one black king = an Asian prince? According to this, at least. 

Star Wars (A New Hope)- The name “Obi Wan Kenobi” is way cooler than “Old Ben Kenobi”. Seriously, why the not-so-sneaky change, Alec Guinness/Ewan McGregor?

Star Wars (The Empire Strikes Back)- Responding to “I love you” with “I know” is kind of a let down.  And no, you don’t really like nice men. Don’t stay outside too long on the ice planet Hoth or your ton-ton will freeze.

Star Wars (The Return of the Jedi) – Falling into the gaping maw of the Sarlacc is probably the WORST way to go.  Sorry, Boba Fett.

Star Wars ( The Phantom Menace) – There is a pseudo-scientific way to see if the force is strong with you.  Just let Qui-Gon have a little of your blood.  Pod Racing is an acceptable hobby for children.

Star Wars (Attack of the Clones)- Star Wars has TERRIBLE relationship dialogue.

Star Wars (The Revenge of the Sith)- First sign of turning to the dark side = domestic violence.

Nic and Nora’s Infinite Playlist- Just say no. To EVERYTHING this movie is and stands for. Ick.

He’s Just Not That Into You- he’s just not that into you……unless he is. You probably won’t know.

Sixteen Candles- Turning sixteen isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Unless, of course, it is.

The Breakfast Club- This movie has little or nothing to do with breakfasts or clubs. However, it is good for learning that crazy 80’s fast-feet dance Molly Ringwald does. Opposites Attract.

Gone with the Wind- Curtains make great clothes.  Just because you went through the civil war doesn’t mean you have to look like it.

Marie Antoinette- Rip Torn is the least French person ever.  Living in the 18th century was kind of boring.

The Duchess- Don’t marry terrible old men. And if you do, don’t let your very charming best gal pal stay over all the time.  It’s SUCH a bad idea.

The Beautician and the Beast- Fran Drescher plays the same type of character in everything. We’re okay with that, I guess.

Father of the Bride- Hot dog buns and hot dogs are sold in differing quantities. 

The Patriot- When you are attacking enemy armies, start with the officers and work your way down. 

It’s a Wonderful Life- Apparently, the worst possible thing that can happen to an unmarried woman is to be a librarian……and you should appreciate what you have.

Oceans 11, 12, and 13- It’s better to be a good bad guy than a bad bad guy.  Criminal activity is always more socially acceptable if you look like George Clooney.

Catch Me if You Can- Drop out of school, become a master paperhanger! Get caught years later abroad, end up working for the FBI!  Check that out. High school drop-out to FBI. No college, no grad school.

Gigi- We can’t even talk about Gigi. That song that goes “Thank heaven for little girls…” Do you know what that’s really about?! This movie is a tribute to creepers everywhere.

The Sound of Music- Even if you are well on your way to being a nun, you can still change your mind and marry a widowed captain with 7 children.  Curtains make great play clothes!

High School Musical- Beautiful people are also multitalented in various ways! We’re all stars.

High School Musical 2 – Even upper middle class kids from the Midwest get oppressed by evil country club tyrants.  Why can’t we be friends?

High School Musical 3- Picking a college is hard.  Prom is the night of nights. Breaking out into a choreographed graduation dance is proper and natural.

Head over Heels- With enough makeup, anyone can be a model! Always find out if the guy you’re dating is an undercover FBI agent.

Grease- Apparently, abandoning your morals and wearing tight fitting clothing is a great way to end the school year!

Just Friends- Forgiveness is more than saying sorry.  Catching your private plane on fire does not mean you’re being punk’d.

27 Dresses- Men who don’t believe in marriage may, indeed, believe in marriage. Maybe they just haven’t met Katherine Heigl….or you.

December Boys- Daniel Radcliffe has a monopoly on teen angst.

Easter Parade- Fred Astaire is forever young.

Funny Girl- Don’t marry a French professional gambler. Or any kind, really. You’re asking for it if you do.

Hello Dolly- New York is a place where dreams come true….if you can talk fast enough to keep every one confused.

On The Town- Consider a career as a singing sailor.

Thoroughly Modern Millie- So sad to be all alone in the world. Don’t pay taxi drivers with checks.  Acrobatics is a useful way to defeat the bad guys.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day- If three men want you, choose the one who actually loves you (and is Lee Pace with a British accent). Also, if middle age finds you loveless and unemployed, you just might be able to find a guy like Cieran Hinds….so don’t give up the ship.


  1. Hilarious! I love this! And I totally agree with the one about Grease. I always wished that Sandy had stayed sweet, although she did look smokin' in that black suit.

  2. Les Miserables (Liam Neeson version) - Liaisons on a park bench in the middle of the night are totally innocent if you are Claire Danes. Also, handcuffs + the Seine River = the perfect way to drown. It completely disarms your body's survival instincts and everything.

  3. although i havent seen all of the movies, this is quite hilarious. you are so insightful court:)